The Devil Went Down To Georgia…And Bought These Boots

The Target: Boots!

The Pieces: Blouse, Skirt

The Approach: It started out with these boots. Can we still call these "boots"? These beings are the culmination of so many perplexing, unworldly, variables, I am not sure they are undeserving of a title all their own?…Maybe "Pedi-titans."

Take a close gander at these pedi-titans. Note the plethora of iridescent, electric blue leather fabrics. Any why yes! That is a cut out phoenix on the front! And it would be a crime to leave out the RHINESTONED CHROME HEELS!

This outfit was without a budget. It was destined to be a disaster from the get go, so why not have some fun? We scanned the aisles, searching for the most outrageous, in-yo-face, train wrecks and came up with the following…a skirt with more sequins than a burlesque costume and a blouse that may or may not have been attacked by Monet on it's way out of the factory. The blouse itself probably could have been doctored up with some slim fit dark wash jeans and bitchin' accessories…but honestly, this was all about the boots!

The Outcome: Like it or hate it, your call. This ensemble walks the line (I had to give a nod to Johnny Cash…these are after all western boots…apart from the hooker-heels).

Total: Forget it. The tag on those boots was $60.

Business Suit FROM HELL

The Target: It started with that skirt. Yeah, just the skirt.

The Pieces: ITS COMPANION JACKET D= and a frumpy brown top.

The Approach: As my fellow Disasters and I were walking down the aisles of Savers, we found that skirt there. Cackling and making fun of it soon followed. I tossed it into the cart and we headed on our way to coordinate the rest of the disasters in our possession.

Heading on through the coats, we saw the skirt's match. Yes, you read that right. It was part of a coordinated set that even Savers thought was too horrid to keep together. I found a brown top to tie the entire set together, and I was on my way.

Final Outcome: My parents like this outfit on me. Don't get me wrong here, Dave is usually pretty cool. But this time I have to disagree. Sure, that thing would probably be decent for a business interview...if it didn't look so horrible on me. The coat was a little long on me, and if I was standing head on to the camera, you'd be able to tell that it gave me no shape whatsoever. The skirt was a pencil skirt, pretty standard. I don't like pencil skirts because they make my ass look huge. Overall, this outfit is a fail because it makes me look...shapeless. And I'm not shapeless.

Total: $27. Jacket - $14, Skirt - $5, Top - $8

Technicolor Dream Skirt

The Target: Skirt

The Pieces: Orange top

The Approach: Say what you want about this outfit, but this skirt is sweet! The top is a disaster, no question about it, but this skirt is a total win! It could have been better complimented by a more neutral blouse and a trendy cardigan. The great thing about it is the variety of colors this skirt has to coordinate with!

The Outcome: I wish I had come home with this skirt. Even though it ate up the entire budget, it was quite the find. I foresee good fortune for whoever takes home this baby!

Total: $19; Skirt $15, Shirt $4

Skirt Disaster - The Final Hellish Outfit

The Target: That poor, pitiful skirt. Needless to say, it's just bringing me down at this point.

The Pieces: That jacket. Look at it. It's a completely bitchin' jacket. With anything else, that awesome, kickassin' jacket would be a winner.

The Approach: As I was saying about that jacket above, it's completely awesome. I could rock that jacket any day of the week and be perfectly awesome at it. As soon as you add that hellacious identity crisis of a skirt, though, it becomes less than stellar by any means of the word. It looks like it's trying its damndest to try to help that skirt out.

"Why did I agree to hang out with
you?! You bring me down!"

Final Outcome: That jacket sits there at the bar every night, sighing into its bourbon as Identity Crisis over there lectures to it about how it's fat, and ugly, and no one wants it. Finally, Kickass Jacket says, "Look, if you promise to just go away, I'll hang out with you once. Maybe you'll look better if you have a good-looking friend around."

Everyone has had some kind of friend like that, and we all know how it ends: Your less attractive friend never looks better hanging out with you, you look like an ugly troll while you hang around with them. They amplify your practically nonexistent ugly. In the end, just like in real life, that poor, awesome jacket looks like a pile of fail when it's hanging out with that skirt.

Rock on solo, Kickass Jacket. Rock. On.

Total: $11; That damn skirt is still $4, and Kickass Jacket is adoptable and redeemable for a measly $7.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Paisley Scorned

The Target: Well, lets admit, this was sort of just for laughs.

The Pieces: Jacket, skirt

The Approach: Is it possible for a pattern to be angry? Well, I asked this paisley fabric and lets just say the response was something like "AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!" Would you not have the same reaction if you had been turned into this atrocious jacket? I am not sure which part is the least horrendous…The bipolar length? (Really, does it want to end at my waist or my hips…someone has commitment issues!)…The want-to-be leg of mutton sleeves? (more like a derriere-challenge-sheep- that-has-been-lame-for-the-past-decade sleeves)…Or, is it the odd fit? (Seriously, was this thing fitted for Dolly Parton?)

As soon as we saw this eyesore on the rack we knew it had to be put down. I don't mean verbally abused. I mean taken out to the back yard, tied to a tree and shot. Execution a la Ol' Yeller. CARNAGE GALORE!! We didn't even attempt to save it. This black skirt we paired it with was remnant of a saved disaster…and even that didn't help. It is truly a shame, because this fabric had such potential.

The Outcome: Look at my face. Go ahead LOOK! That is the face of shear pain. The jacket actually burned my flesh. I think it was made of leprosy, because it felt as if my skin was being eaten off of my body by a carnivorous beast! This was a FAIL of epic proportions, biblical even (you know, because of the leprosy). Please, if you see this jacket in any store, for your own safety, DO NOT approach unless you are packing! If so, shoot it and do the world a favor. You never know if this is the sort of thing that will grow up to be Godzilla and take out it's rage on Tokyo!!

Total: Does it even matter? This outfit hurts.

Skirt Disaster - Part Two (Of Three)

The Target: Once again, it's that skirt with the identity crisis. Poor dear.

The Pieces: White lace tank, awesome paisley wrap thing with matching belt.

The Approach: Paisley. I'll put this out here right now, I love paisley. It's hard to find a paisley that I don't like, and when we discovered that little gem, I was all for it. The colors are complementary for the skirt's particular shade of blue, and the beige in the wrap matches the gridlines running through the skirt. (I honestly don't think that the skirt would have been half as horrendous if it didn't have that grid pattern on it.) So, with that wrap and my neutral white tank, I was ready to go.

Final Outcome: Not horrible, but it wasn't quite a win, either. The wrap was comfy, and it complimented the skirt, but it didn't really do anything for me - it made me look red. So, it was almost a success. Perhaps if the wrap had had a bit less green...?

Total: $8. $4 for the skirt, and $4 for the wrap. The tank was mine to begin with.

Better Than Therapy!

The Target: The stylize this frumpy flower girl dress to kill!

The Pieces: Metallic belt, high-heeled brown sandals

The Approach: If you have a mother who is anything like mine, you wore dresses like this everyday of your kindergarten career. In fact, you were more well known for your matching dress and head-band sets than for your intellectual ability to remember what the latest "Alphabet Letter of The Week" was. I have reason to believe it was instances like that that have culminated together to form the fashion sense I have today. I won't even comment to you the beginnings of said history when my hair sported the ever-so-cliche "waterspout"…..oops, It appears I am not so good on my word.

To get back on topic…dresses like this plagued my childhood, and so it would seem I would not touch this disaster with a 10 ft pole! You would INCORRECT! I love a challenge, and like an epic, Anglo-Saxon, war hero I tacked this beast and made it my bitch!

This disaster didn't make much to amp up. As you can see it only took two pieces to make a complete reversal! I perused the isles of shoes and accessories and made my return to the fitting rooms within minutes. This was done within the $15 budget! Imagine what we could have done with twice the amount; bad-ass vest paired with some clunky, feminine, metallic jewelry anyone?

Final Outcome: I am very satisfied with the save we made here! I may be a long ways away from fully recovering from my pre-adolecent trauma, but this disaster-turn-around helps ease some of my pain….those shoes help too.

Total: $15! The belt came in at $4, the dress at $5, and the shoes at $6.