The Mother Of The Bride Who SHOULD NOT have been invited!

If you happen to be graced with a AA or A cup, ladies, have no fear! This Mother-of-the-bride-esque ensemble comes well equipped with it's very own set of traffic cones!! That's right, you could be the next Madonna look-a-like! However, there is a down side...or rather, a few.

1. The cleavage that comes with this top appears to have gangrene. You might want to get clearance from you doctor and be up-to-date with your shots before trying this baby on.

2. These traffic cones appear to have been run over. They are as limp as road kill. Who knows, maybe they were run over during duty on the highway. Should you dare to wear this piece of work, you might want to pump 'em up with some air.

3. It comes with a skirt. not just any skirt, oh no! This skirt goes all the way down to your ankles. Nothing says fashion like looking like a giant seaweed wrap. Delish!

Naughty Nurse?... Rejected!

The Target: Trying to make naughty nurse reject work, i.e the mini.

The Pieces: First piece.... the bitchen pink and patterned reversible coat. The second piece staying simple with a plain white blouse.

The Approach: The first approach was the awesome coat of awesomeness that was a little big. That added some color to the ensemble. Then Lynnafred help me track down a white blouse to complete.

Final Outcome: FAIL! -exempting the coat of course. I might have been able to work this if I had matched the skirt with a pink or orange blouse instead of the boring white one I picked. There is way too much white in this outfit. As it is it makes me look like a nurse, and not of the sexy/naughty variety.


Total: Awesome Coat - $4, Skirt - $3, Blouse - $8. Grand Total - $15

Saving some shorts

The Target: These shorts. Wow.

The Pieces: That green top.

The Approach: Trying to find something in that horrid color scheme was tough. With choices like lime green, salmon, brown, and lavender, I was left with few other options. Sure, I could have done the total cop-out and gone with white, but what fun would that have been? I'll tell you what: none.

Final Outcome: Awww, look at that. That's a success, if I do say so myself.

Total: $13 - $10 for the shirt, $3 for the shorts

Ring Ring! Ring Ring!

"HEY. Pick up the phone. Hear that? It's the eighties."

My sister looked over at me from the housewares section; I could tell that she didn't want to acknowledge that we knew each other. "What?" she growled. "I'm looking for things for the apartment."

"I found something you need to try on," I smirked. "You'll love it, dude. Get over here." Before she could protest, I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to where I found... it.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"  She strained to keep her voice down. Did I embarass her? Gosh, I wasn't even trying. "I'm not wearing that."

"But..."

"No, you go try it on, smartass."

I looked at it, then back to her. I felt my confidence waver, but just slightly. Hadn't I just been joking with Nannerkins about wearing one of these? "You're on, dude," I said. "But if I rock that, you have to buy it for me."

"Only if you wear it out of the house."

I looked over at her; she was snickering. She thought this was funny. Oh, I'd show her. I'd show her how awesome that thing would look on me, in all it's completely bitchin' eighties glory. "You're on." I grinned, grabbing it off the hanger and walking over to the dressing rooms.

I stepped out of the dressing room a few minutes later, smirking in my sister's direction. "Well?" I asked, fixing my hair. "What do you say?" I leaned up against the door, never taking my eyes off of hers. I wanted to make sure she knew that I was serious when I said I could wear pretty much anything.

Her smile faded. "I hate you," she growled. "Put the damn jumpsuit in the cart."

Purrrrrfect Disaster

The Target: To rock this jacket without looking like Cruella Deville

The Pieces: Pleather skirt, gold button down blouse, sun glasses

The Approach: My first impression of this jacket…DAMN. I think it is safe to say that anytime you wear an animal print you are taking a fashion risk and 7/10 times it doesn't work out. Lucky for this jacket, I live on the edge!

This jacket fit super comfy! The structure was decent and decidedly much better off the clothing rack and on mine. The one thing I could have lived without were the opaque sleeves. But, with the shimmery gold blouse underneath it was bearable. On second thought black might have been a better choice. The pleather skirt however…well that is never okay. On the bright side I scored some sweet shades…which would make that on the dark side. Hmm...Looks like Cruella is closer than we think….

The Outcome: I wouldn't call this a failure or a success. I certainly wouldn't feel the need to pelt anyone who wore this on the street, neither would I go barking mad without it. Rest assured animals of the planet your evil nemesis C. Deville shall not be making waves in the fashion realm any time soon.

Total: $15 - Skirt $3; Coat $5; Shirt $6

This Week In FAIL!

I want to congratulate Nannerkins for winning this week's This Week In FAIL. What was the fail, you ask?

This was QUITE the fail.

Credit for finding these failboots, however, has to to go the lovely Faythe for her hard work and eye for disaster.

Congratulations, ladies. We've made a big step backwards in the fashion industry.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia…And Bought These Boots

The Target: Boots!

The Pieces: Blouse, Skirt

The Approach: It started out with these boots. Can we still call these "boots"? These beings are the culmination of so many perplexing, unworldly, variables, I am not sure they are undeserving of a title all their own?…Maybe "Pedi-titans."

Take a close gander at these pedi-titans. Note the plethora of iridescent, electric blue leather fabrics. Any why yes! That is a cut out phoenix on the front! And it would be a crime to leave out the RHINESTONED CHROME HEELS!

This outfit was without a budget. It was destined to be a disaster from the get go, so why not have some fun? We scanned the aisles, searching for the most outrageous, in-yo-face, train wrecks and came up with the following…a skirt with more sequins than a burlesque costume and a blouse that may or may not have been attacked by Monet on it's way out of the factory. The blouse itself probably could have been doctored up with some slim fit dark wash jeans and bitchin' accessories…but honestly, this was all about the boots!

The Outcome: Like it or hate it, your call. This ensemble walks the line (I had to give a nod to Johnny Cash…these are after all western boots…apart from the hooker-heels).

Total: Forget it. The tag on those boots was $60.

Business Suit FROM HELL

The Target: It started with that skirt. Yeah, just the skirt.

The Pieces: ITS COMPANION JACKET D= and a frumpy brown top.

The Approach: As my fellow Disasters and I were walking down the aisles of Savers, we found that skirt there. Cackling and making fun of it soon followed. I tossed it into the cart and we headed on our way to coordinate the rest of the disasters in our possession.

Heading on through the coats, we saw the skirt's match. Yes, you read that right. It was part of a coordinated set that even Savers thought was too horrid to keep together. I found a brown top to tie the entire set together, and I was on my way.

Final Outcome: My parents like this outfit on me. Don't get me wrong here, Dave is usually pretty cool. But this time I have to disagree. Sure, that thing would probably be decent for a business interview...if it didn't look so horrible on me. The coat was a little long on me, and if I was standing head on to the camera, you'd be able to tell that it gave me no shape whatsoever. The skirt was a pencil skirt, pretty standard. I don't like pencil skirts because they make my ass look huge. Overall, this outfit is a fail because it makes me look...shapeless. And I'm not shapeless.

Total: $27. Jacket - $14, Skirt - $5, Top - $8

Technicolor Dream Skirt

The Target: Skirt

The Pieces: Orange top

The Approach: Say what you want about this outfit, but this skirt is sweet! The top is a disaster, no question about it, but this skirt is a total win! It could have been better complimented by a more neutral blouse and a trendy cardigan. The great thing about it is the variety of colors this skirt has to coordinate with!

The Outcome: I wish I had come home with this skirt. Even though it ate up the entire budget, it was quite the find. I foresee good fortune for whoever takes home this baby!

Total: $19; Skirt $15, Shirt $4

Skirt Disaster - The Final Hellish Outfit

The Target: That poor, pitiful skirt. Needless to say, it's just bringing me down at this point.

The Pieces: That jacket. Look at it. It's a completely bitchin' jacket. With anything else, that awesome, kickassin' jacket would be a winner.

The Approach: As I was saying about that jacket above, it's completely awesome. I could rock that jacket any day of the week and be perfectly awesome at it. As soon as you add that hellacious identity crisis of a skirt, though, it becomes less than stellar by any means of the word. It looks like it's trying its damndest to try to help that skirt out.

"Why did I agree to hang out with
you?! You bring me down!"

Final Outcome: That jacket sits there at the bar every night, sighing into its bourbon as Identity Crisis over there lectures to it about how it's fat, and ugly, and no one wants it. Finally, Kickass Jacket says, "Look, if you promise to just go away, I'll hang out with you once. Maybe you'll look better if you have a good-looking friend around."

Everyone has had some kind of friend like that, and we all know how it ends: Your less attractive friend never looks better hanging out with you, you look like an ugly troll while you hang around with them. They amplify your practically nonexistent ugly. In the end, just like in real life, that poor, awesome jacket looks like a pile of fail when it's hanging out with that skirt.

Rock on solo, Kickass Jacket. Rock. On.

Total: $11; That damn skirt is still $4, and Kickass Jacket is adoptable and redeemable for a measly $7.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Paisley Scorned

The Target: Well, lets admit, this was sort of just for laughs.

The Pieces: Jacket, skirt

The Approach: Is it possible for a pattern to be angry? Well, I asked this paisley fabric and lets just say the response was something like "AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!" Would you not have the same reaction if you had been turned into this atrocious jacket? I am not sure which part is the least horrendous…The bipolar length? (Really, does it want to end at my waist or my hips…someone has commitment issues!)…The want-to-be leg of mutton sleeves? (more like a derriere-challenge-sheep- that-has-been-lame-for-the-past-decade sleeves)…Or, is it the odd fit? (Seriously, was this thing fitted for Dolly Parton?)

As soon as we saw this eyesore on the rack we knew it had to be put down. I don't mean verbally abused. I mean taken out to the back yard, tied to a tree and shot. Execution a la Ol' Yeller. CARNAGE GALORE!! We didn't even attempt to save it. This black skirt we paired it with was remnant of a saved disaster…and even that didn't help. It is truly a shame, because this fabric had such potential.

The Outcome: Look at my face. Go ahead LOOK! That is the face of shear pain. The jacket actually burned my flesh. I think it was made of leprosy, because it felt as if my skin was being eaten off of my body by a carnivorous beast! This was a FAIL of epic proportions, biblical even (you know, because of the leprosy). Please, if you see this jacket in any store, for your own safety, DO NOT approach unless you are packing! If so, shoot it and do the world a favor. You never know if this is the sort of thing that will grow up to be Godzilla and take out it's rage on Tokyo!!

Total: Does it even matter? This outfit hurts.

Skirt Disaster - Part Two (Of Three)

The Target: Once again, it's that skirt with the identity crisis. Poor dear.

The Pieces: White lace tank, awesome paisley wrap thing with matching belt.

The Approach: Paisley. I'll put this out here right now, I love paisley. It's hard to find a paisley that I don't like, and when we discovered that little gem, I was all for it. The colors are complementary for the skirt's particular shade of blue, and the beige in the wrap matches the gridlines running through the skirt. (I honestly don't think that the skirt would have been half as horrendous if it didn't have that grid pattern on it.) So, with that wrap and my neutral white tank, I was ready to go.

Final Outcome: Not horrible, but it wasn't quite a win, either. The wrap was comfy, and it complimented the skirt, but it didn't really do anything for me - it made me look red. So, it was almost a success. Perhaps if the wrap had had a bit less green...?

Total: $8. $4 for the skirt, and $4 for the wrap. The tank was mine to begin with.

Better Than Therapy!

The Target: The stylize this frumpy flower girl dress to kill!

The Pieces: Metallic belt, high-heeled brown sandals

The Approach: If you have a mother who is anything like mine, you wore dresses like this everyday of your kindergarten career. In fact, you were more well known for your matching dress and head-band sets than for your intellectual ability to remember what the latest "Alphabet Letter of The Week" was. I have reason to believe it was instances like that that have culminated together to form the fashion sense I have today. I won't even comment to you the beginnings of said history when my hair sported the ever-so-cliche "waterspout"…..oops, It appears I am not so good on my word.

To get back on topic…dresses like this plagued my childhood, and so it would seem I would not touch this disaster with a 10 ft pole! You would INCORRECT! I love a challenge, and like an epic, Anglo-Saxon, war hero I tacked this beast and made it my bitch!

This disaster didn't make much to amp up. As you can see it only took two pieces to make a complete reversal! I perused the isles of shoes and accessories and made my return to the fitting rooms within minutes. This was done within the $15 budget! Imagine what we could have done with twice the amount; bad-ass vest paired with some clunky, feminine, metallic jewelry anyone?

Final Outcome: I am very satisfied with the save we made here! I may be a long ways away from fully recovering from my pre-adolecent trauma, but this disaster-turn-around helps ease some of my pain….those shoes help too.

Total: $15! The belt came in at $4, the dress at $5, and the shoes at $6.

Skirt Disaster - Part One (Of Three)

The Target: That completely awful skirt that thinks it's a pair of shorts.

The Pieces: An indigo floral top

The Approach: Unlike Nannerkins over there, who's a secret accessory fiend, I tend to try to make things work with basics - simple pieces pulled together using like patterns, colors, and a heaping spoonful of confidence. Usually, if nothing else, it's the confidence that allows me to pull off whatever it is that I'm wearing. And, you know, that shirt was cute, so how much worse could it possibly make that heinous skirt?

Final Outcome: Oh my goodness, I was horribly wrong. The final outcome was that there was way too much blue in here - especially dark blue - to work well together. That was an oversight on my part. Perhaps, with a brown belt to break it up, or a necklace to give it some flair, it would have worked out well. But this was, unfortunately, as bad as disasters get. This time, I couldn't save this skirt.

Total: $14; $10 for the top, and $4 for the skirt

Hippie Chic!

The Target: To save this monstrous skirt from the furthest depths of fashion hell

The Pieces: Embroidered vest, ruffled blouse, moxie

The Approach: First off we paired the skirt with this, considerably atrocious, mess of a vest. Next stop was finding a blouse that could tactfully tie the look together. Although, this top was considered a win all by its onesie, perhaps when paired with this vest it was brought down a couple pegs...thus making for one cohesive pile of moderate attractiveness. Needless to say, this look may not be everyone's cup of steaming hot tea! But, it is a TON of fun to wear...and damn if don't make some waves in that delightful beverage, because I look fabulous~

Peace, motherfuckers~

Final Outcome: Rocked it! You don't have to be trippin to appreciate this fierce find! If I truly was a hippie this is totally how I would roll.


Total: This went over budget because the skirt by itself was $15. The vest was $7, and the shirt was $8, for a total of $30.

FIRST!!

I'm laying claims to this post. This is the first post, and it is mine.

I was here first, and I'm letting everyone know it. And to keep this on topic, I'll show you a few things that were so heinous, I couldn't bear to even try them on.

See that...thing, that looks kind of like a band uniform with legs? Yeah. We saw that. And it has obvious signs of wear and tear. SOMEONE, ONCE, WORE THAT PIECE OF CLOTHING. And before you tell me, "Well, no shit Lynnafred, you're at Savers," you should hear me out.

This thing was one of the itchiest, most unsightly things I've seen at Savers, and I'm down there at least once a week. Yes, you heard right, I'm at Savers so often I might as well live there, and this was the first truly heinous thing I'd ever seen. Could it have been better as a two-pieced skirt ensemble? Maybe some lining in the top half could make it a little bit more bearable? Perhaps it needs a complete shit ton of some upcycling to make it wearable?

No. Stop it. Don't give that thing up there an ego boost. It can hear you. There is nothing that can possibly save gold lamé pants with a double-knit polyester top. That comes stock with gold piping.

It's in your nightmares now.

 Moving on, there was only one more thing that I found that I absolutely refused to have anything to do with, even though Nannerkins thinks that I could've saved it, and that was this:

That shirt is totally staring at my boobs.

Yes, you're seeing that right. It's a half-sleeve length shirt with roots in...what? Native-American Aztec awesomeness?

No, that's not right. It has its roots in a sweat shop in Indonesia. It's inspired by Native-American Aztecs. Shut up, they exist.

In all honesty, it's really not that bad. (Did you see that thing in the top of this post?!) But it's probably that thing shaped eerily like an eye in the center of it that weirded me out about it. Anna's right; I probably could have saved it. With some dark wash jeans and a necklace of some sort, and maybe even a yellow long sleeved shirt under it, it could have looked awesome.

But then it would have come to life, knifed me (in true Aztec fashion,) and used my body in some sort of mundane ritual. Like making its morning coffee. Seriously, you can't trust those Native-American Aztec shirts.